Dot's Rules of Etiquette

Etiquette: The Complete Modern Guide For Day-to-Day Living The Correct Way

My Grandmother and I shared a love of books and crossword puzzles. Unfortunately, I used to think, I did not inherit her seemingly flawless ability to discern what is appropriate in any situation. Always well-mannered as she was, I felt the very opposite. I was clumsy and unpolished, letting words escape my mouth carelessly and unfiltered. I appreciate that she never criticized me directly, although I did feel her disapproval at times. When I found this book in her closet after she passed away, it was like discovering a side of her I never knew. The side that wasn't a grandmother. I imagined her reading this many years ago, a young mother like myself, being comforted by the words that would hopefully save her from any embarrassing future mishaps of social conduct, anxiety diminishing as she learned the correct way to behave. Finding this little gem of a book suggests to me that maybe a sense of etiquette isn't inherent.

There is not a book or movie that has given me a better glimpse of life in the 1950's than this one. Long gone are the days of gentlemen callers and the white-gloved ladies for whom they tipped their hats: when manners were not easily mastered and everything seemed so very lovely. What a pleasure it is, however, to take a backwards glance at this era in American life that is so hilariously different from our own "modern" times. Join me for a weekly tutorial on Etiquette, and maybe we will learn the skills to make our grandmothers proud!

For my smart, sassy, classy Grandma Dot.

"It's easy enough to say that a woman should act like a lady, but it's a little harder to define just what the expression means. Mostly, acting like a lady is a matter of attitude. It's having respect for yourself along with respect for other people. Here are some of the ways in which we express this respect:

MORALITY
There is no point in discoursing on morals in a book on etiquette, because your morals are your own private business. However, a public observance of the proprieties-which means the established standards of behavior and manners- keeps you from being conspicuous and misunderstood. For that reason, a lady isn't fervently affectionate in a public place, nor does a single girl exhibit proudly an intimate gift she has accepted from a beau. Your public behavior should be decent, quiet and friendly: and your most personal relationships should be conducted with dignity and privacy.

MODESTY
Specific rules about modesty change with the styles. Our Victorian ancestors, for instance, would judge us utterly depraved for wearing the modern bathing suit. Real modesty however is a constant and desirable quality. It is based not on fashion but on appropriateness. A woman boarding a subway in shorts at the rush hour is immodest not because the shorts are in themselves indecent, but because they are worn it the wrong place at th wrong time. A well-mannered and self-respecting woman avoids clothes or behavior that are inappropriate or conspicuous.

DIGNITY
Dignity is sometimes confused with haughtiness or stuffiness. Actually , it's quite another thing. Dignity is the principle of self-respect applied to all one's actions. The reason it's bad manners to apologize or make excuses for what you don't have-whether it's matching dinner plates, or a better job- is that this excuse only embarrasses your listener and shows that you lack personal dignity and self-respect."

Isn't it refreshing to hear words like: dignity, beau, quite, and utterly and lady? I love these words.

Afterthought:
One thing I miss the most about my very poised grandmother: she always, always, always ,loved, loved, loved a good fart! (Never her own of course) Oh, the hissing and tears that would follow the same words every time "oh that's terrible, you're terrible!" I will never forget how it made her laugh more than anything else in the world.